Let’s be honest. Everyone wants their fantasy baseball season to get off on the right foot. You worked your ass off to prep for your draft, you made strong, sensible picks and by the end of it, you were staring at your roster like a proud papa looking down at his newborn child. The joy you felt was only rivaled by your eagerness to get the season started.

I felt that way after each and every one of my drafts this season. My teams were balanced, they were strong and, barring injury, I saw no reason to believe that I wouldn’t be competitive. And then the fantasy gods decided to take one of my children from me – my SiriusXM Host League team. Spring injuries to Ian Desmond, Jason Kipnis, Tom Murphy and Sonny Gray put me in an early bind while slow starts from Andrew McCutchen, Byron Buxton and Masahiro Tanaka haven’t helped as I sit in last place.

Am I worried? No. Not at all. It’s a relatively deep hole, but not deep enough to keep me down all year. It’s just going to take a little bit of extra work. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t totally suck, though. You all know me. You know I like to talk a little trash. I’ve got a radio war brewing with defending champ Clay Link, my partner in crime on Saturdays, Lisa Ann is in this league and let’s not forget how much Kyle Elfrink likes to shoot off his mouth. For a smack-talking fantasy pimp like me, this gets under my skin.

No one likes a slow start. No one. You can accept and rationalize all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re sitting at the bottom of your standings, looking up at the rest of your league mates. So with that, let’s take a look at which slow starts are causing the most pain at the moment. Yes, I know…small sample size….it’s a marathon, not a sprint….it’s better to be down early than down late. I know my clichés as Crash Davis teaches us. Think of this as fantasy therapy if you will. Get it out, talk it through, step off the ledge and back inside your fantasy happy place.

Tim Anderson, SS CHW – Come on, Timmy. What’s up? We know you’re young. We know your experience isn’t so hot, but you got wheels, baby, and we want you to use them. But striking out five times in nine plate appearances isn’t going to earn you extra time atop the batting order. I’ll spare you the old adage of “you can’t steal first base,” but you know it’s what everyone is thinking. Show me those high contact rates and sound OBP we saw in the minors. Be a little more patient. Maybe learn to take a walk. We believe in you, so fly right, baby bird. Fly right.

Jonathan Villar, 2B MIL – He spited me for my on-air call-out the other day with a home run, but through four games he’s struck out eight times in 17 plate appearances and has no stolen bases. He does have a caught-stealing if you’re wondering where the effort is, but that probably doesn’t make you feel any better. To add insult to injury, I’m going to warn you off this guy as well. The slow start doesn’t surprise me as players like Villar, who produce a career-year from out of nowhere, tend to press at the plate once the new season gets underway. He’s always posted a strikeout rate between 20-25 percent, so now add that to the pressure of living up to a 19-homer, 62-steal season when you’ve never done anything like that before. And not that he really knows this (though maybe he does), but as a player incredibly over-drafted in fantasy, the scrutiny from the public is going to me ten times worse.

Byron Buxton, OF MIN – Awwwww, B! What are you doing to me here? Where is that spark we saw late last year. Snazzy defensive plays are great but they don’t pay the offensive bills. Is it because you were simply excelling against teams laden with September call-ups last year or is it because the pressure of batting third in the lineup is too much right now? I’m not really sure why manager Paul Molitor has you batting third behind Brian Dozier and Max Kepler. It doesn’t make much sense to me. You should be in the leadoff spot seeing a ton of pitches and ready to zip around the bases while Dozier knocks you in. I’d even take you being dropped to the bottom of the order for a little while if it’s going to help you relax and jump start your season, but one measly single with one walk in 15 plate appearances just isn’t doing the trick.

Kris Bryant, 3B CHC – Yes, yes, I know. Patience is a virtue. But let’s get it moving here Kris!. I understand the heavy strikeouts is all part of your game, but you’d think you could connect for at least one hit by now, right? You’re not even swinging at a bunch of pitches outside the zone. You’re just swinging through a bunch of stuff and when you do put bat to ball, there’s little to no hard contact and you’re just popping everything up. Eventually those fly outs will turn to home runs, but maybe get your head right, smack some line drives and get your feet wet first. You can’t reach 40 home runs in one game, my friend. Stead as she goes.

Nelson Cruz, OF SEA – Hey, buddy. Don’t let these pitchers get into your head. They’ve got you all twisted up inside and mashing everything into the dirt. You’re seeing your usual dose of sliders but the extra curveballs and changeups seem to have you a little off-balance. We know you’ll make the necessary adjustments. You always do. We just want to offer up a little encouragement is all. You may want to stop reaching out of the zone as they’ve got you swinging and missing quite a bit (20.6% SwStr), so before you focus on blasting it out of the park, maybe you worry about making contact first.

Trea Turner, 2B WAS – Uh oh. Not him too! Really? The 2017 fantasy darling? The first-round pick everyone was gushing about? Really? I was wondering why it was so quiet here in the first week. Everyone who was pounding their chest and screaming, “This kid’s the greatest,” from the rooftops are nowhere to be found. The strikeouts are abundant and the contact rates are lacking, but I will say this….he’s swiped two bases already which is nice. But that’s actually not even the best part. That would be the hope on the horizon. The 44.4-percent line drive rate and the excessive 66.7-percent hard contact rate are telling me this could get ugly for the haters soon. Remind me to duck into the nearest office when I see Jim Bowden walking down the hall.

Dishonorable mentions go to Jose Altuve, Andrew McCutchen, Miguel Cabrera, Charlie Blackmon, Carlos Gonzalez and Giancarlo Stanton. Let’s get it together, boys. Give me a weekend I can get excited about.

Now it’s tough to crap on the starting pitchers given that it’s just one start, but I don’t see the harm in calling out Masahiro Tanaka, Jose Quintana, Jeff Samardzija, Michael Pineda, Gerrit Cole, Corey Kluber and Danny Salazar. Why the heck not? We can put them on notice that we’ll stop buying their jerseys and asking for their autographs, can’t we? You’re damn right we can!

::takes deep breath::

OK, there you go. Feel a little better? A little venting never hurts. You get it all out away from the glares and snickers of your league mates and you walk into the bar with confidence when you meet them for a drink. The stars of MLB will shine bright soon enough. Your patience is appreciated.