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As I sit here in the wee hours of the night, when Sunday evening bleeds into the dreaded Monday morning, I’ve decided to walk that dreaded line where I challenge the universe to either make a move or stick the concept of karma right up its cosmos. While most people start getting all maudlin and sentimental around Thanksgiving and holiday time, talking about how thankful they are for everyone in their lives and all the blessings they have in this world, I call bullsh*t.
You show me one big family gathering that isn’t filled with some sort of back-biting, passive/aggressive drama and I’ll show you a family of phonies. Anyone who tells you that their holiday dinners and family gatherings are all peaches and cream is obviously hiding some deep, dark secret that their family is too ashamed to let out. Where’s all this lovey-dovey crap in February? Who’s talking about their blessings in July? No one. And why? Because people are only counting their blessings when they feel that fat bundle of judgment disguised as Santa watching and it’s time for people to start doing their holiday shopping. You want reality? Go to YouTube and search for all the stupid Wal-Mart fights from Black Friday. That’s America. That’s reality. That’s what the “holiday spirit” is all about – greed and selfishness.
So with that, I’ve decided to spend my Morning After being thankful for only what serves me best in the world of fantasy football. Why? Because I’m thankful for the game of fantasy football. I’m thankful for the moments of peace and quiet I get when I say I’m writing a fantasy football article. I’m thankful that I can walk away from the table during those uncomfortable conversations when father and son are at odds and the dirty laundry starts getting dumped right next to that dry bird your idiot mother-in-law ruined because she actually thinks she’s a good cook just so I can go check my lineup and disguise it as “work”. I’m thankful that I’m in the playoffs in four of my eight leagues because it extends the season through late December and I can avoid another round of holiday dinners.
Many of you will find that what serves me will also likely serve you as well, so appreciate the fact that I’m probably just saying exactly what you’re thinking but just can’t bring yourself to say it publicly. So without further ado, here’s what I’m thankful for from Week 13.
I’m thankful for Brandon Weeden’s concussion.
None of my playoff teams have Josh Gordon on them and in my primary league, it’s my fantasy nemesis who owns the damn guy. Every week I have to see Gordon light up the stats sheet and boost this clown’s point total, and there’s a pretty good chance that I may have to face him next week in the first round. So let’s give it up for the wobbly legs and bruised brain, because Alex Tanney sure as hell ain’t throwing with the same success rate.
I’m thankful for Christian Ponder’s concussion
Just another reason to keep putting the ball in Adrian Peterson’s hands. Screw the passing game. Just keep running the damn ball.
I’m thankful that Chuck Pagano finally realized that his ass was not a hat.
Finally, the Colts wake up and smell the stink of the uselessness in leaving Trent Richardson as their lead back. I understand you don’t want to look like total jackasses after the trade turned out to be a bust, but enough is enough. Who cares if Donald Brown kinda sucks too? He certainly doesn’t suck as much as Richardson right now, does he? I’ll happily take his mediocre numbers over one more week of wondering whether that idiot T-Rich is ever going to “get it.”
I’m thankful for Julius Thomas’ knee and Demaryius Thomas’ shoulder.
Because I own Eric Decker, bitches, and that clown finally put together a huge week and it came at just the right time for me. Keep sitting, Julius. Stay limited, Demaryius. I’ve got playoff games coming up.
I’m thankful for Michael Crabtree and Mario Manningham.
Because Colin Kaepernick, you’ve sucked for far too long this year.
I’m thankful the Jets suck.
Not only do I reap the benefit of a good week from Ryan Tannehill and Mike Wallace in one league, but it saves me a sh*t-ton of money on playoff tickets.
I’m still thankful for Aaron Rodgers' fractured collarbone.
The guy who was leading my division in one league went into an immediate tail spin and now I not only won the division, but scored a bye week in the first round of the playoffs. Not to mention that this guy still made the playoffs but will be a one-and-done because without Rodgers, his team sucks.
I’m thankful that Bill Belichick is an unforgiving, know-it-all douche bag.
You just keep Stevan Ridley on the bench and keep hoping that a pair of tomato cans like LeGarrette Blount and Brandon Bolden will get the job done for you.
I’m thankful for idiots who don’t check game inactives on Sunday
You just keep telling everyone in the league that you’re just so busy and that you have a life. A win is a win and I don’t care how I get it. Thanks for your donation, moron.
And finally, I’m thankful for those of you who understand the concepts of satire and sarcasm.
The rest of you, feel free to email me to tell me what kind of an a-hole you think I am.