I wish I had some clever pun that matches Wednesday with some sort of scare day, but the day’s events had me clutching my chest at several different moments and my sense of humor seems to have gone into hibernation. I’m not really sure what I did to anger the fantasy baseball gods, but their wrath is being felt. It started right before today’s show when Jose Abreu left this afternoon’s game with an injury, continued straight through as my producer messaged me to say that Eric Thames left today’s game for some reason and by the time the show was over, I also lost Koda Glover?

::tilts head back, arms stretched out wide::

Seriously? What the hell did I ever do to you?

I had a sneaking suspicion that this new change from a 15-day DL to a 10-day one would cause an increase in stints on the disabled list, but this is getting ridiculous. Teams are sending players home from road trips and we seem to have lost the notion of a player being day-to-day. Now I know this probably eliminates the guessing game that comes with players who are routinely banged up, but I’d almost be happier wondering if, after four or five days out, a team would retro a DL move for my guy than to automatically see them tossed onto the 10-day DL without even letting them try to work their way back from a bone bruise or some stiffness in the knee.

It’s almost like this whole “kids are soft these days, rounded edges on playgrounds, rolling bags to carry books, give them a trophy just for participating” generation has infiltrated my baseball. What happened to the “rub some dirt on it, Johnny” mentality? Come on, guys! You’re ballplayers! Dirty, gritty, hard-nosed ballplayers!

The array of injuries I’ve endured thus far has been massive. From losing players like Jason Kipnis and Ian Desmond before the season even opened to Madison Bumgarner’s stupid dirt bike accident, I’ve had my fair share. But how the hell am I supposed to compete when all of my sell-high candidates limp their way onto the 10-day DL? Mitch Haniger has an oblique issue, Thames’s hamstring is tight and my half-closer I was primed to deal to the guy who owns Shawn Kelley is now gone? Come on. Throw in Abreu’s hip flexor issue and I guarantee you that my collective DL is better than any healthy team currently sitting atop their standings.

And while misery usually loves company, I don’t want any one of you to be sharing in this groove with me. Trust me. You want no part of it. You Adrian Beltre owners who just got word that the trainers are seeing little to no improvement in his calf? Stay away from me. Keep your negative mojo to yourself. Lovers of Denard Span? Yeah, both of you. Get out. Went cheap at second base and just lost Brandon Phillips? Buh bye. And that goes for you Shelby Miller owners who just sent test results to Dr. James Andrews too! You’re not welcome here.

I am Kyle Seager’s hip issue. I am Jose Altuve’s concussion. I am King Felix’ shoulder and I am most definitely George Springer’s hamstring.

I almost long for the days when everyone simply had the flu. At least then I could make fun of the cleanliness of the clubhouse and blame a lack of Purell. With all of this, I have nothing. Literally nothing. I’ll roll with the punches. I’ll make my way through this maelstrom of bumps and bruises. I won’t like it, but I’ll make it through.

I almost feel better just getting it all out here. Almost.

It was the late, great Jerry Garcia who once said, “Nothing left to do but smile, smile smile.”

While that may be true, I think I just pulled a muscle doing just that.