Another week, another milquetoast effort from the Five Game Parlay guys. Again there is no movement in the standings as four of the five competitors all put up a 3-2 week with just Jonesy coming up short with the 2-3 record, although I hear that it isn't unusual for him to come up a "little short" if you know what I mean. So, Hallam opens up a 2.5 game lead with just four weeks to play, and the baby moves to just a game behind the jokester. Stein and Mans are playing Tummy Sticks down near the bottom of the barrel, three and five games out of third place respectively. What else can I say about those two asses? They have picked worse this year than the Kardashians at.....well, just about anything. But definitely Kim and the Dating Game. But anywho, we are down to the last four weeks, and although it appears Mans and Stein are out of it, just four games separate Jeff Jr. and Hallam at the top as they make a Jonesy sandwich, so enjoy this week's edition of the Five Game Parlay.
After thirteen weeks here are the current standings with last week's results in parenthesis:
Hallam: 38-25-2 (3-2)
Jonesy: 35-27-3 (2-3)
Xander: 34-28-3 (3-2)
Stein: 31-29-5 (3-2)
Mans: 29-32-4 (3-2)
San Diego Chargers (-7) vs. Buffalo Bills -- Buffalo is so done. Rivers has his receiver core back and we saw him put up nice numbers last start. I think he goes off in this matchup and they beat Buffalo by double digits.
New York Giants (+3.5) at Dallas Cowboys -- This is a big division game and both teams need this victory. It's going to be very close. There are those that think the Giants win outright. I'm not sure that's the case, but I think it could be a 1 point game.
Miami Dolphins (-3) vs. Philadelphia Eagles -- They are playing very good football at the moment. And Philly is not. Although Vick returns to the lineup this week I still think the Dolphins cover.
Tennessee Titans (+3.5) vs. New Orleans Saints -- New Orleans are not the same team away from home. This will be evident in this matchup. The Titans have a shot at sneaking a win here.
Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Carolina Panthers -- This is a must win for Atlanta. Basically that's enough reason to back em' I think.
Atlanta Falcons (-3) at Carolina Panthers -- Super Cam has taken the NFL by storm, unfortunately it hasn't translated to many wins for the hapless Panthers' The Falcons were a massive disappointment to me last weekend against the Texans with a third string quarterback, but now I have faith that they will bounceback against Carolina for my man Brian Fraser. They might be on the road, but if Atlanta has any playoff aspirations, they have to show that they have some toughness and not only beat Carolina, but cover this modest number.
New Orleans Saints (-4) at Tennessee Titans -- The Titans might have beaten the Bills last week and Chris Johnson might seem to be back to his CJ2K form, but they still aren't going to produce enough offense to be able to topple the high powered New Orleans Saints who are on an incredible roll right now. Drew Brees is throwing touchdowns like it is his job......oh wait, it is.......and the Saints are scoring points in bunches. It might be a home game for Tennessee, but I think New Orleans wins this one handily and keeps the pressure on for that first round bye.
Philadelphia Eagles (+3) at Miami Dolphins -- Everyone is super excited about the Dolphins with the way they have been playing lately as they have won three of their last four, and the one they lost was uber close. Not to mention that they Eagles have been in the shitter for the better part of six weeks. All that means to me is that this one is going to go the complete opposite of how we all think and Philadelphia is going to roll. I'll take the team with a million times more talent and getting a field goal. I know that Philly has been a trainwreck for a while, but I see them winning this one.
Denver Broncos (-3.5) vs. Chicago Bears -- Not only is it crazy to bet against Jesus and the Broncos, but now the Bears will be without their quarterback AND running back. The Denver Broncos defense also seems to be inspired by the divine intervention and should be able to turn over Caleb Hainie a few times. I can't believe that I expect Denver to win this game, but I now expect it to be by at least a touchdown. Lovie Smith needs to say three Our Father's and six Hail Mary's to have a chance in this one.
San Diego Chargers (-6.5) vs. Buffalo Bills -- It appears that I might have been a bit premature a few weeks ago when I declared that there was no way that they were going to make their usual late season run to the playoffs. Although it was just the lowly Jaguars that they dismantled last Monday, Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews looked like what we thought they would be all season, and the Bills are going downhill in a hurry. I see the Chargers steamrolling Buffalo and pulling closer to the Raiders and getting within just two games of the division lead with three to play. Too bad these douchebags in the Parlay can't get that close to me.
Chicago Bears (+3.5) at Denver Broncos – You gotta love the young boy’s gusto in picking his hometown team despite losing their two best players and going against the grace of god in Tim Tebow.
Kansas City Chiefs (+10.5) at New York Jets – Maybe Xander thinks that Kyle Orton is starting at QB or something because even for a 1 year old this is an awful pick.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+2) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers – In the battle of who could care less, the boy likes the team without an owner, head coach or QB. Makes perfect sense…
Buffalo Bills (+7) at San Diego Chargers – My son is a punk ass. Going against the old man on such an obvious pick shows an absolute disregard for the old man’s pigskin knowledge. I hope he loses now…
New England Patriots (-8) at Washington Redskins – The Patriots couldn’t cover the spread at home against the worst team in the league. Now they are going to go on the road and beat the snot out of the Redskins? That actually does sound logical by NFL standards.
Green Bay Packers (-11) vs. Oakland Raiders – Raiders have laid some major eggs on the road this year and without most of their receiving corps yet again it will be hard to keep up with the high flying Packers offense. On defense the Raiders present literally no challenge to Aaron Rodgers whatsoever making it easy pickings for the Packers offense.
New Orleans Saints (-3.5) at Tennessee Titans – By no means do I expect the Saints to rack up 40+ points against the Titans this week. In fact, I think the Saints are the most over-rated team in the NFL right now all because of the Monday Night whopping they gave the Giants. Although they won’t run up the score outdoors this week, I still believe them to be able to safely win by a TD this week.
San Diego Chargers (-7) vs Buffalo Bills – The Bills are a sinking ship while the Chargers are about to start their too little too late run at the playoffs. Phillip Rivers is figuring it out and the running game is as strong as it has been all season. Chargers win this one easily at home.
San Francisco 49ers (-3) at Arizona Cardinals – Dammit…I so don’t want to pick this game but it is just way too obvious to anyone who watches football that the Cardinals just plain stink. A win over the Cowboys shouldn’t confuse that point! Sure the 49ers have clinched the division but it is only week 14 and there is no way that Jim Harbaugh eases off the gas pedal this early.
Seattle Seahawks (-9) vs St. Louis Rams – The Rams are the worst team in football this week. They will be playing without their top 2 QB’s and may have a guy in Kellen Clemens starting who was with the Texans less than a week ago. The Seahawks have been playing well of late and are always tough at home. This game will be over by halftime.
San Diego Chargers (-7) over Buffalo Bills -- This past Monday night against Jacksonville, the Chargers finally looked like the team they were supposed to be all season. I think they will carry this momentum into their game against the freefalling Bills who have lost 5 in a row. Prediction: Chargers 31 Bills 14
Philadelphia Eagles (+3) over Miami Dolphins -- The Dream Team may be an overall nightmare, but they still have a lot of talent. Miami has played well over the past 6 weeks, but I think the Eagles may take some frustration out on them. Given both teams are heading nowhere this year, the most interesting aspect of this game is that it is a rematch of the Super Bowl that was played in Ace Ventura. Go Snowflake! Prediction: Eagles 27 Dolphins 20
Green Bay Packers (-11) over Oakland Raiders -- The Packers met their match last week against the Giants. This week, they get a banged up Raiders team coming off an ass-kicking. Green Bay isn’t resting anyone just yet, so look for them to lay the Smackdown on Oakland. Prediction: Packers 38 Raiders 24
Seattle Seahawks (NA) over St. Louis Rams -- In continuing the trend of awful Monday night games, this battle of inept NFC West teams should be as exciting as watching paint dry. But the Seahawks have played very well over the past several weeks and will possibly be playing against a 3rd string quarterback. The Rams have had an abysmal year and it won’t get any better going into the loud and hostile environment in Seattle. Prediction: Seahawks 24 Rams 9
New York Giants (+3.5) over Dallas Cowboys -- This battle for the top spot in the NFC East is the premiere game of the week. The Giants have lost 4 in a row yet still control their own destiny. Both teams have similar weaknesses and neither have beaten many established teams this year. Despite having prior success playing in Dallas, I don’t see the Giants winning this game. It will be a heartbreaker and close enough where the Cowboys won’t cover the spread. Prediction: Cowboys 37 Giants 35
Want to know a little bit more about each participant? Really? You do? Why? Well, in that case, we profile each competitor.
Michael Stein of Fantasy Judgment is the Supreme Court Justice of the Fantasy Football world. Stein is the man to go to if you have any sort of issue in your fantasy football league. Fantasy Judgment is the site you need if you have a rogue commissioner who is pulling things over on your league, a trade that just seems to be really fishy, or any other kind of shenanigans that can take a good fantasy league and make it turn badly. Not to mention the fine work that he does for us here at Fantasy Alarm. Michael Stein fared quite well for himself last year in his first foray into the Five Game Parlay as he came in second place, not far behind the championship. Even with that said, Stein picks like he has had a lobotomy, so be careful before you put any of your hard earned money on any selections that he makes!
Jonesy will be bringing the noise and the comedy flavor to the Five Game Parlay as Fantasy Alarm's resident comedian and an executive producer of The Fantasy Alarm Show. Jonesy is responsible for many of your favorite bits and songs on The Fantasy Alarm Show such as the Burress Song, "Oh, Manny!" and "80 Yards and a TD" about Ryan Grant, as well as Deep Fantasy Thoughts. Jonesy was a close third in last year's competition and was in it right to the end. He is out to show that he is more than just a pretty face, I mean just a funny face, I mean wait. Well, he's out to show he knows his football. I'm not sure if he does or not, but he will at least make you laugh along the way.
Jeff Mans is one half of the duo that comprises The Fantasy Alarm Show, and yes he is the one that talks the most. Mans has been playing fantasy football for nearly 15 years, and is known to throw a buck or two on a football game now and then. He was the winner of the inaugural Five Game Parlay, but threw up all over himself last year as he came in a distant last place. Jeff is looking to turn his fortunes around in 2011 and reclaim the title that he feels is rightfully his. Will the frosted tips on his hair and his wacky chest pubes help him pick games and lead him back to glory? Only time will tell!
Jeff's one year old son Xander Mans joins the crew for the first time this year as he has said that he is tired of hanging around his mom and two sisters and needs to start bonding with the guys! However, Xander is also a smart young man as he has already figured out what a deadbeat his poor father is. I will be calling the young lad each week to make his picks and will be reporting on what he tells me here in this article. In our first talk he has told me that he will squash the four of us like Cheerios between his teeth and will pee in the face of anyone who thinks they can pick better than he. A confident young man, Xander is the darkhorse to win the whole competition.
Ryan Hallam makes up the second part of The Fantasy Alarm Show, as he is the voice of reason, sensibility, and of course, has all of the looks, wit, and charm. Hallam pulled the big turnaround in Year Two of the Parlay and led the competition from wire to wire. Throughout his life he has watched football, but for some reason picking games against the spread was never his strong suit. But things have changed for Ryan in the past year to eighteen months and all of a sudden the tide has swung the momentum in his favor. Look for Hallam to continue his dominance and repeat as champion of the Five Game Parlay! Oh, did I mention he was the smart and good looking one out of the group too? Just checkin'.
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