We are coming down the stretch in the last month of the season, and there were boringly no changes in the standings, but Hallam picked a hell of a time to have a perfect week as he opened up the gap between himself and Jonesy who had a good week in his own right. The pint sized pipsqueak, Xander, was the only one who was under .500 on Thanksgiving week and now has an uphill climb to get the elusive championship in his first year in the Parlay, and in life. Mans is trying to fight his way out of the cellar with Stein, but he is going to have to put a huge streak of wins together to do so. With just five weeks remaining you never know what might happen. Will Hallam go wire to wire? Will Jonesy the Jokeman prevail this year (Sorry Jackie Martling)? Will Xander piss all over his father and beat him in the standings? Find out all of that in the Five Game Parlay.
After twelve weeks here are the current standings with last week's results in parenthesis:
Hallam: 35-23-2 (5-0)
Jonesy: 33-24-3 (3-2)
Xander: 31-26-3 (2-3)
Stein: 28-27-5 (3-2)
Mans: 26-30-4 (3-2)
Detroit Lions (+9) at New Orleans Saints – Really? A 9 point favorite for the Saints over the Lions? This is a classic example of people falling in love with a team in the Saints who walloped a bad Giants team on Monday Night Football last week. The facts of this game are as follows. The Saints have lost to Tampa Bay & St. Louis while barely getting by the Carolina Panthers. The Lions will have had 10 days to prepare for this game while the Saints will have had 6 days. The Lions are a dome team themselves with plenty of speed on both sides of the ball. I wouldn’t doubt if the Saints won this game but to be favored by 9 points over a team this good is pure nonsense.
Denver Broncos (+1.5) at Minnesota Vikings – I have to admit that I wouldn’t be surprised if the Vikings beat the Broncos this week but how can you bet against the hottest team in the league right now not from Green Bay? It is hard to bet against Tebow these days and even harder against our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Dallas Cowboys (-4.5) at Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals will have Kevin Kolb back this week but is that really a good thing with as bad as he was playing before the foot injury? The Cowboys are just an above average team but that is all that is needed to beat the Cardinals handily these days.
Baltimore Ravens (-6.5) at Cleveland Browns – I know the Browns like to keep games close but the Ravens should be able to beat them by more than a touchdown this week. Don’t underestimate the teams that haven’t played since Thanksgiving Day especially ones with older players who benefit from the extended time off.
San Diego (-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars – I just noticed that I took all road teams this week. While this is very unsettling, I am too lazy to go back and chance anything. The Jaguars are a flaming hot mess right now with no ownership, head coach or quarterback. If San Diego stops Maurice Jones-Drew, they win this game by two touchdowns.
Green Bay Packers (-6.5) at N.Y. Giants – This is a great pick by the youngster. I can’t believe how many people expect the Giants to have a chance in this game after the destruction they took at the hands of the Saints last week. The Giants aren’t any good people!! Why does it take a 1 year old to tell us this?
N.Y. Jets (-3) at Washington Redskins – How can you bet on either Mark Sanchez or Rex Grossman? I couldn’t tell you who was going to win this game mostly because I, like the rest of society don’t care. But hey, Xander is only a kid and he should learn not to bet on terrible games.
Denver Broncos (+1.5) at Minnesota Vikings – The kid likes Tebow what can I say? Anybody else think that this game will be God’s way of punishing the Vikings for Brett Favre?
Miami Dolphins (-3) Vs. Oakland Raiders – Why is it that every week I wind up liking Xander’s picks more than mine? The Dolphins have been playing good football lately and with 10 days to prepare for the banged up Raider, they should have enough to win this game. Factor in the travel for the Raiders and this pick looks even better.
New England Patriots (-20.5) Vs. Indianapolis Colts – I swear he picked this on his own!! I’ll fully admit that I wanted to pick this game so badly but didn’t have the guts but evidently the son doesn’t give a damn about three touchdown point spreads. I love the moxie here as it’s probably the same as the Pats will show against their hates rival in Indianapolis.
Green Bay Packers (-6.5) over New York Giants -- The Giants are in a complete freefall. Without an effective pass rush, they have no chance of containing Aaron Rodgers and company. This one will be a blowout and Met Life Stadium will be filled with boo birds. Tell Brandon Jacobs to go change his tampon. The best part of this game is thinking about Prince Akeem talking about the Giants of New York playing the Packers of Green Bay and kicking an oblong pigskin through a yellow H from Coming to America. Prediction: Packers 38 Giants 17
New York Jets (-3) over Washington Redskins -- The Santana Moss Bowl will be an ugly, low scoring game that the Jets will ultimately dominate. There is not really anything else exciting or appealing about this game. Prediction: Jets 20 Redskins 10
Dallas Cowboys (-4.5) over Arizona Cardinals -- The Cowboys control their own destiny and they will not be stopped in the desert. This is just a regular season game so Tony Romo can still look great. Once the games become critical, you can count on him f***ing it up. Prediction: Cowboys 31 Cardinals 19
Tennessee Titans (+1.5) over Buffalo Bills -- The Bills massive collapse has come as a surprise to no one. They weren't that good to begin with. Now without Fred Jackson and with Stevie Johnson too busy mocking Plaxico Burress, the Bills are easy pickings. The Titans are playing for the playoffs and CJ2K is coming off his best game in a long time. Frank Wychek is still haunting Buffalo's dreams. Prediction: Titans 23 Bills 17
Pittsburgh Steelers (-7) over Cincinnati Bengals -- The Bengals have been impressive all season and heading in the right direction. But they can't hang with the big boys just yet. Big Ben and company will hand out some growing pains to Andy Dalton. Prediction: Steelers 31 Bengals 13
New England Patriots (-20.5) vs. Indianapolis Colts -- When I first saw this line I thought "no way that the Pats could cover" but then the more I thought I was like "no way the Colts can cover this". I'm sticking with my latter feeling. If Curtis Painter wasn't bad enough, now it's Dan Orlovsky. Brady should have a field day.
New Orleans Saints (-9) vs. Detroit Lions -- The Lions are starting to come apart at the seams a little and the Saints are on an absolute roll. They are still playing for a first round bye in the playoffs and I can see them lighting up the scoreboard again this week.
Denver Broncos (+1.5) at Minnesota Vikings -- Not sure how many times I have to say that you can't bet against Jesus and you can't bet against Tebow. The Vikings aren't a good enough team to beat the divine forces, and they should not only cover, but win the game. The Vikes are sure to be distracted by mourning the loss of Donovan McNabb this week.
Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) at Houston Texans -- The Texans are having a great season, but TJ Yates is in the game for the Texans, and the Falcons are a pretty good team. I am not a huge fan of Matt Ryan and the Falcons in the long term, but I think they are going to win this game comfortably.
Baltimore Ravens (-6.5) at Cleveland Browns -- A touchdown favorite on the road within the division isn't usually a bet I like to take, but the Browns offense is just miserable and the Ravens are whipping asses right now. It isn't a usual practice for me, but I like Baltimore by a lot.
Indianapolis Colts (+20.5) at New England Patriots -- As I did last week I'm taking the team that's getting the most points. I think twenty point faves are only 2-9 in NFL history or something like that.
Denver Broncos (+1.5) at Minnesota Vikings -- Just ride the Tebow wave I say.
Green Bay Packers (-6.5) at New York Giants -- The Giants D is playing heartlessly and there's just no way that offense will be able to keep up with this offense. Plus NY is on a short week.
Cincinnati Bengals (+7) at Pittsburgh Steelers -- I think Pittsburg will win this game but it will be closer than a TD.
Chicago Bears ( -7) vs. Kansas City Chiefs -- This Bears D is going to devour Palko or the barely-had-time-to-learn-the-playbook Orton. That should be enough.
Want to know a little bit more about each participant? Really? You do? Why? Well, in that case, we profile each competitor.
Michael Stein of Fantasy Judgment is the Supreme Court Justice of the Fantasy Football world. Stein is the man to go to if you have any sort of issue in your fantasy football league. Fantasy Judgment is the site you need if you have a rogue commissioner who is pulling things over on your league, a trade that just seems to be really fishy, or any other kind of shenanigans that can take a good fantasy league and make it turn badly. Not to mention the fine work that he does for us here at Fantasy Alarm. Michael Stein fared quite well for himself last year in his first foray into the Five Game Parlay as he came in second place, not far behind the championship. Even with that said, Stein picks like he has had a lobotomy, so be careful before you put any of your hard earned money on any selections that he makes!
Jonesy will be bringing the noise and the comedy flavor to the Five Game Parlay as Fantasy Alarm's resident comedian and an executive producer of The Fantasy Alarm Show. Jonesy is responsible for many of your favorite bits and songs on The Fantasy Alarm Show such as the Burress Song, "Oh, Manny!" and "80 Yards and a TD" about Ryan Grant, as well as Deep Fantasy Thoughts. Jonesy was a close third in last year's competition and was in it right to the end. He is out to show that he is more than just a pretty face, I mean just a funny face, I mean wait. Well, he's out to show he knows his football. I'm not sure if he does or not, but he will at least make you laugh along the way.
Jeff Mans is one half of the duo that comprises The Fantasy Alarm Show, and yes he is the one that talks the most. Mans has been playing fantasy football for nearly 15 years, and is known to throw a buck or two on a football game now and then. He was the winner of the inaugural Five Game Parlay, but threw up all over himself last year as he came in a distant last place. Jeff is looking to turn his fortunes around in 2011 and reclaim the title that he feels is rightfully his. Will the frosted tips on his hair and his wacky chest pubes help him pick games and lead him back to glory? Only time will tell!
Jeff's one year old son Xander Mans joins the crew for the first time this year as he has said that he is tired of hanging around his mom and two sisters and needs to start bonding with the guys! However, Xander is also a smart young man as he has already figured out what a deadbeat his poor father is. I will be calling the young lad each week to make his picks and will be reporting on what he tells me here in this article. In our first talk he has told me that he will squash the four of us like Cheerios between his teeth and will pee in the face of anyone who thinks they can pick better than he. A confident young man, Xander is the darkhorse to win the whole competition.
Ryan Hallam makes up the second part of The Fantasy Alarm Show, as he is the voice of reason, sensibility, and of course, has all of the looks, wit, and charm. Hallam pulled the big turnaround in Year Two of the Parlay and led the competition from wire to wire. Throughout his life he has watched football, but for some reason picking games against the spread was never his strong suit. But things have changed for Ryan in the past year to eighteen months and all of a sudden the tide has swung the momentum in his favor. Look for Hallam to continue his dominance and repeat as champion of the Five Game Parlay! Oh, did I mention he was the smart and good looking one out of the group too? Just checkin'.
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